FukDatShhh.CoM

My mother was away all weekend at a business conference.

During a break, she decided to call home collect.

My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have a Betty on the line. Will you accept the charges?”

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!”

Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions.

I loved this game and still do. Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.

For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate…why am I still driving around in a thimble?

This morning on the Freeway I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadilac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned everything it touched, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.

Darn women drivers…

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same
Time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying “Guns don’t Kill people. I do.”

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too effed up to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive Lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing Yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
• Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
• Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
• Farmer Bill Dies in House
• Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
• Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
• Stud Tires Out
• Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
• Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
• British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
• Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
• Eye Drops off Shelf
• Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
• Include your Children When Baking Cookies
• Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
• Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
• Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
• Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• Stolen Painting Found by Tree
• Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
• Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
• Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
• Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
• Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
• Deer Kill 17,000
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
• Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
• British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
• Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
• Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
• Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
• Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
• Air Head Fired
• Steals Clock, Faces Time
• Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
• Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
• Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
• Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
• Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him. – Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. – Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. – Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. – Robert, 13
6. Don’t squat with your spurs on. – Noronha, 13
7. Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to. – Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. – Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. – Traci, 14
10. Don’t sneeze in front of mom when you’re eating crackers. – Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. – Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, 9
13. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. – Armir, 9
14. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. – Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. – Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9
17. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. – Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. – Alyesha, 13
19. Never try to baptize a cat. — Eileen, 8

The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, “Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once.”

“Well, here,” the limo driver says, “Take the wheel, Your Holiness!”

Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window, goes back to his squad car, calls dispatch and says, “I just pulled over someone real important and I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, who is it?” his dispatcher says, “The mayor? The governor? The president?”

“I don’t know,” the officer responds, “but the Pope’s his chauffer!”

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

“Certainly madam,” he replied courteously.

“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary.

“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all night.

Would you care to select something from this menu?”

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary.

“Certainly, madam,” he replied.

“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

“In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

“Morning madam…sleep well?”

“Yes, thank you,” Mary replied.

“Food to your liking?”

“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though….they really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully.

“Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist.

“OK, I will…thanks!” replied Mary….who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!”

This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The bully says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Tell ya what, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outrageous and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison…”