FukDatShhh.CoM

NEWPORT NEWS, Va. (UPI) — The parents of a Newport News, Va., middle school student says their son tracked down the owner of a ring he found with his metal detector and returned it.

Jose Velazquez said his 13-year-old son, Joshua, keeps most of what he finds with his metal detector, but he decided to track down the owner of a 14-karat white gold class ring that contained a ruby after he found it at Yorktown Beach, The (Newport News, Va.) Daily Press reported Wednesday.

Velazquez said the ring was inscribed with Woodside High ‘08 and the name Vivianne M. Corrales. He said the family found only one Corrales in the Woodside High zip code using whitepages.com and was able to contact the senior, who hadn’t yet realized the ring was missing.

Additionally, the Velazquez family said Corrales also was the owner of a silver friendship ring Joshua found in the same area as the first ring a few days later.

Velazquez said the decision about whether to track down the owner of the rings had been left up to Joshua.

“I’m proud of his decision to turn it in,” Jose Velazquez said.

Copyright 2008 by United Press International

LEEDS, England (UPI) – A British man has been deemed the city’s “dumbest criminal” by authorities after he posted videos of himself engaging in anti-social actives on YouTube.

Leeds City Council called Andrew Kellett, 23, the city’s “dumbest criminal” after he put at least 80 videos on the Internet video-sharing site of people, including himself, participating in unlawful activities, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday.

It is reported the incriminating videos include footage of people taking drugs, racing cars and taking off from a gas station with stolen fuel.

“Kellett must be in the running to be Leeds’ dumbest criminal. He has handed us the evidence against him on a plate,” said Les Carter, a member of Leeds City Council.

Kellett Tuesday was given an interim anti-social behavior order at Leeds Magistrates Court, forbidding him from posting further illegal behaviors on YouTube until his hearing next month.

Copyright 2008 by United Press International

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they had passionate relations all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man prepared to leave, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been together all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying jerk! You’ve been playing golf!”

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”

Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?” So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”

Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?”

Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?” Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff – no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”

“Yeah, well there’s just one thing…”

“What’s that?”

“Have you…err… broken wind yet?”

“No.”

“Well, don’t, ’cause I’m in Phoenix!”

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.

He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?”

“Yes,” was his reply.

She said, “Well, today I didn’t do it!”

OMAHA (UPI) — A knife to the throat was a good thing for an Omaha man who performed a tracheotomy on himself, a move his doctor says wasn’t such a bad idea.

Steve Wilder, 55, performed the do-it-yourself operation after he awoke unable to breathe, ABC News reported Tuesday. Wilder, concerned about whether the rescue squad would reach him in time, raced to his kitchen, found a steak knife, then made a slit through his throat so air could pass through his windpipe unobstructed.

It’s not like the 55-year-old truck driver hadn’t done the procedure before. He did the same thing in 2006 when he thought he couldn’t breathe.

“I did what I did the first time. I took a knife and opened it up,” Wilder told ABC. “I did it to save my life.”

The problem began after Wilder underwent radiation treatment for throat cancer four years ago.

His doctor, Paul Sherrerd, has placed a permanent tube in Wilder’s throat to help him breathe when needed.

“As crazy as it sounds,” Sherrerd said of Wilder’s emergency operation, “it probably wasn’t the craziest thing to do.”

Copyright 2008 by United Press International