FukDatShhh.CoM

I rear ended a car this morning…the driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf!

He looked up at me and said “I am NOT Happy!”

So I said, “Well, which one ARE you then?”

That’s how the fight started.

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

• Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
• Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
• When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the darn thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
• Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
• Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it’s set up with.
• Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
• Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
• Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say “You did that?” loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
• Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

SARPOURENX, France (UPI) – A mayor in southwest France has threatened residents of his village of Sarpourenx with severe punishment if they die because there’s no room in the cemetery.

Mayor Gerard Lalanne posted an ordinance in the council offices advising the village’s 260 residents that “all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish.”

It added, “Offenders will be severely punished,” Homes Worldwide said.

The 70-year-old mayor, who is hoping to be re-elected in local elections, told journalists, “It may be a laughing matter for some, but not for me.”

Copyright 2008 by United Press International

LONDON (UPI) – Developers of a specialized camera that can help police detect weapons and drugs under clothing say they will show it off in England this week.

The camera, which can see through clothing at distances of up to 80 feet, could be used by authorities in such places as railway stations and airports, The Sunday Times of London reported.

The newspaper reported that while the T5000 system can detect objects under clothing, it does not show anatomical details. It works by detecting and measuring terahertz waves, or T-waves for short.

Because each object emits different wavelengths, the camera can distinguish, for example, between sugar and cocaine, the newspaper reported.

The technology, originally designed for use in spacecraft to see through clouds of cosmic dust, was developed by ThruVision, an English company.

“Acts of terrorism have shaken the world in recent years and security precautions have been tightened globally. The T5000 dramatically extends the range over which we can scan people,” said ThruVision Chief Executive Clive Beattie.

The camera will be showcased at the Home Office scientific development branch’s annual exhibition at an airbase in Buckinghamshire, the newspaper said.

Copyright 2008 by United Press International

We were asked to dinner by a new friend. When we sat down at the table, we noticed that the dishes were dirty.

“Were these dishes washed?”, I asked the hostess as I rubbed my fingers over the surface.

She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them”.

I felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway. Dinner was delicious, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, “Here Soap! Here Water!”

SAN JOSE, Calif. (UPI) – Police in San Jose, Calif., said workers at a recycling plant found five pounds of marijuana in a trash bag at the facility.

Officer Jermaine Thomas said workers at the GreenTeam recycling center called police Friday morning to report their find, the San Jose Mercury News reported Wednesday.

Thomas said the marijuana plants could have come from anywhere in the country. He said it was not clear whether the bag they were found in was meant to contain lawn clippings or other recyclables.

Police said one pound of cannabis can fetch as much as $750.

Copyright 2008 by United Press International

CAMDEN, N.J. (UPI) — Camden, N.J., school officials said a vice principal has been placed on leave after she allegedly made children eat their lunch while sitting on a gym floor.

Kenneth McIntosh, head of the Camden Education Association, said Sumner Elementary School staff were notified Monday that Vice Principal Theresa Brown has beFen placed on leave, the Philadelphia Inquirer reported Wednesday.

Angel Cordero, who helped to organize the parents of the affected students, said a fifth-grade class was forced to eat their lunches on the gymnasium floor for two weeks. He said the move was a punishment after one of the students spilled a water-cooler jug while attempting to move it.

He said the children in the class are all Hispanic.

“These kids are ESL (English as a Second Language) kids who came from other countries. They’re humble,” Cordero said.

Camden school spokesman Bart Leff said the incident is being investigated.

Copyright 2008 by United Press International
Copyright 2008 by United Press International