FukDatShhh.CoM

• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
• Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
• Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!”

“Whoa, what the happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die!”

“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him — he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned him all up.”

“Man, what a way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now that is one awful way to go!”

“No no, he survived that…”

“Hold on now, just how the heck did Mike die?”

“I shot him.”

“You shot him? What the heck did you shoot him for?”

“The man was destroying my house!”

So, this bird walks into a store………

 

Watch!  As he s-l-o-w-l-y enters the store…….and then he runnnnnnns……..OUT!
A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.

The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn’t looking (so a camera was installed), and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos. Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and becomes a feast, for other birds!

The seagull’s shoplifting started early this month, when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips. Since then, he’s become a “regular”. He always takes the same type of chips.

Customers have begun paying for the seagull’s stolen bags of chips,… because they think it’s so funny!

South Charleston, West Virginia - For people in a West Virginia community, Madeline Jordan may have been the right person to know.

She worked at a gas station — where, police say, she would re-set the price at the pumps every Sunday morning, and sell gasoline to family and friends for just a tenth of a penny per gallon. (1/10 of a cent= A full tank of gas for 1 and 1/2 cents to 3 cent)

The owner of the station says he noticed a significant drop in his income, and found receipts that listed the deeply discounted rate.

Jordan is accused of defrauding her boss out of nearly $50,000 over the course of several months.

Also under arrest are her mother, her brother, a cousin and two others. They were arrested after police set up a sting operation at the station in South Charleston.
(Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)